My Black Christmas

Chilly wind blows... Christmas carols... Spirit of Christmas is here...

While everybody was busy attending parties, reunion of friends, classmates, relatives and blood - relation, here I am don't even want to feel the essence of Christmas, I just wish that this year's 25th of December won't come, this is the worse and saddest Christmas I ever had.. i may have a dull last year but this was so tormenting...

As I enter the first quarter of 2011 it was full of blissful memories that was worth reminiscing, with people I love, with people I care but all of it soon had torn into fragments as they one by one perished out of my life...

I never really expect they would leave me, without bidding adieu, without saying goodbye.. they just disappear out of my sight...

I don't really know if celebrating this year's Christmas does really worth it with the absence of the individual I care, the people I love, guess not, I think it was more livelier to spend this whole season at the cemetery for their the tombs won't never leave you... they are just their for you no matter what... well here's my story...

This person had been in my life for quiet long time ( a year and four months) this person had been my comforter, in times I feel the world was so unfair, My knight and shining armor when pain is trying to wage a battle against me and the person who makes my dream fulfilled - to be loved heartily.. but with a simple clear-cut mistake all the foundation that we have nourished had been terribly ruined and I don't even know if i have still the courage to put back the pieces again, this person leave me with words unsaid, tears unshed and love unexpressed..totally damaged...

"A friend in need is a friend indeed" a common phrase that has been classically portrayed but for me this has never been traditionally applied... If I would count all the friends that I have I would say I am one of the richest but this year I have distinguished that I am just wealthy on FAIR - WEATHERED FRIENDS - those people that was only at your side when the sun was up and shining but when the storm started to pour they one by one disappear at your side leaving you wet and freezing in the rain.. Out of 10 friends I am just lucky to have 2 true friends and i am really thankful that i have them being with me not only on my happy moments and achievements but also in my failure and down moments...

Now tell me, does Christmas worth celebrating with all the heartaches I have this year? I am trying to fix this all, my social and emotional problems but sad to say it was days to go and it was Christmas,maybe I will be spending this year "MY BLACK CHRISTMAS" alone....

The Art of Rejection

Life is like an unopened birthday present, we never know what surprise lies ahead. We may encounter events that eventually tore our hearts in two and scenarios that leave us discouraged, but have we ever asked ourselves, why these things are happening? What is the purpose of these heartbreaks? What is the main purpose of our existence?

My life has never been perfectly carved. I may be wearing a glittering curve but behind those smiles their lies a gloomy and alone – me; Embraced by sadness, covered by depression and suffocated by tormenting pain inside.

My journey has been on a windy sail in the middle of the turbulence of the sea and on the four corners of my being I am ill; emotionally disturbed, mentally altered, spiritually lacking. It all started on a clear cut mistake that take a snapshot of error that disturbs me until now.

For two decades living on this world I always met people with unique personalities, different points of view, unlike opinions but of all the people that come and go in my life, I never remember their faces, the way they smile, the way they act but the memories that I have with them. Rejection has been somehow a detrimental virus in our system; it weakens our hearts, destroys our confidence and in fact hides all the capabilities we do have that can be able to share, that were the disastrous pain of REJECTION.

My first rejection was when I fell in love with a person whom I thought would be the man of my dreams that would help me fulfill my ambitions but I wasn’t too cautious to feel that he is just existing in wonderland, all fraud… loving me with lies.

He has been my knight and shining armor, he used to be my saving grace when the darkness of life started to consume me, my shoulder to cry on when the pain of life’s suppression becomes unbearable, he is my man. I have never known his existence until sadness me. A man had totally crushed my heart and fall it into pieces but he came along and patiently put all the pieces again. I have been so blessed that for almost quiet some time he realized my long time dream – to be loved by someone. But all of the happy moments that I have with him had soon torn into fragments when all of the sweetness that I have savor had turn to tear – provoker and the reason of my sadness. I cried each night longing for the love that has been lost in the midst of my immatureness but all of it soon fade to memories and was not worth reminiscing. One day I stand up and face the world with life forgetting every chapter that I have with him. Proving I can still go on with my life. It takes for me a single heartache to make me see and stand on my own again.

They say that obtaining rejection the second time around is more painful than the first one and I prove it right, it was so suppressing that I even want to be on the gateways of hell. Being rejected by the people that you trust and considers as friends is the hardest thing that your mind can’t even conceive. But thanks to them for because of their single rejection it makes me stand up on my feet again and be able to fulfill my destiny little by little.

Rejection has been a part of our daily lives; it comes on what we expected not to come. Then as it enters our system it became unbearable to carry but we should act a little from our part take the rejection as a positive one, look at the brighter side of the rejection, scrutinize what was the main reason of that and you will be able to know that in every failure there lies a simple reason. Everything in this world has its own purpose, your happiness, your sadness, your triumphs, your failures; everything of it has its own direction to go. God has been to wise to be mistaken for the scenarios that was happening in our lives. Trust in Him and He will never fail you. That’s the ART OF REJECTION, Bitter but has its sweet at the end.

LOVEGAME

"Love until it hurts no more. That's the Game of Love...."

Falling in love is not wrong at all. Once you fall, you can't help it, though you ignore the feeling still its there. Even you try to hide it, still it shows in your shining eyes, and then everything follows. you just fall even deeper. At the time in your sleep, in your mind, you are dreaming a future with her as if you hold the heads of the clock. You start to smile and count on his simple "hi". Every time you see her, it seems that her gaze captivates you. Nice isn't it? Indeed, everything seems to be so colorful, so essential that you may say that nothing is at risk. Maybe nothing, but what if the person you fell in love with is not there to catch you? What if you are just an ordinary friend to her? Or What if , you never existed in her dreams? What will happen? Will they remain a dream?

Perhaps, it is the saddest truth in falling in love. Once you feel it and there's no one to catch you, there's no one to love you back. Painful it may be in your side but you have to admit that it is true. You just can't help it but to wear a fake smile instead of tears. You can't avoid to keep your eyes open to other girls where in fact it is she you want to see. You do such thing as that and sometimes a stupid pretension you do, still truth prevails, What's left are sighs and sadness in your heart.

Worse is, you can't confront her for hurting you because she's unaware she is doing it. You just have to be silent because telling her is not a part of your agenda. You may be afraid to show it because no one might understand you. You just can't tell her to love you back because she don't even love you from the start, but what can you do? It just happened. After all it has never been a crime to fall in love with someone.

For this, you can only wonder Why in this world do you need to experience love when all you can get on it is pain. they say that love is the sweetest word on earth but why does it makes us feel blue. However, the answer is yet to come. Again and again you end up the same cycle. to love and not to be loved, to feel such pain. Why pains? not love? It is because only in pain a person can recognize love, Only in pain you can teach a person to become a true lover, and love without pain is impossible. Though you are hurt by the first time you love, you just have to leave the pain behind. Continue loving, if it still hurts the second time around, just love anyway and though it hurts once more, never stop. Love until it hurts no more. That's the Game of Love....